I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
