i permit you to call me
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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