If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
