If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need to align my fucking chakras
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
