I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He? As in you personified your dick?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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