If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
