I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
