I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
