I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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