I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
