Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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