I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Randomize
