The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
