Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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