I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
