I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
