my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i wish my penis had a tongue
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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