please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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