i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
