when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
