i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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