If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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