My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
