So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
