I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
