So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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