Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
