i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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