Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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