my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
