I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
