Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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