Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
