Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
