I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
