you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
