How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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