you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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