everyone is single if you try hard enough
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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