i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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