: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
