Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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