Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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