Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
