it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
