Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
