pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
