My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
