My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
