Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
